on grief (for Ralph)

We’re staying in their house 

Selene and I go inside while Chris barbecues

I know they’re long gone 

The rooms are lined with fish tanks, beautiful seamless aquariums

That’s my most precious memory with grandpa Ralph- him taking me to the pet store to get something for the tank, sometimes a new fish. It seems now that he saved those errands for me when I would stay with them, to have something to do together. 

The people at the pet store knew him

He took great care of his fish

My siblings and I would fight over feeding them, giving them too many of the stinky little flakes

I seem to remember someone getting in trouble for doing it more than was required and then he hid the fish food 

He wasn’t super comfortable with small kids. In his stuff, creating chaos and noise

He didn’t want us breaking anything or staining the carpet

He’d leave little handwritten labels on things that were fragile: ‘shower door slides from left to right’

He was very concerned about us forgetting things when we left 

He really liked his routines

Shaving with his electric razor longer than than required in his recliner in the corner of the living room

Having his evening ration of sugar free cookie or ice milk (grandma was big on the latest health advice)

I never felt very close to him because I never had a lot of in depth conversation with him

He’d lost his voice due to a medical error and it was never above a whisper

And he was often overpowered by my feisty grandma

I think he didn’t know what to talk about with us kids

That must have been so devastating for him- to physically lose his voice 

But as a kid you’re not thinking about an old man’s experience really

It felt like it almost fit him because he was soft spoken anyway, or maybe he was less so before

I found them a bit embarrassing

They were both older than my other grandparents 

They wore older clothes and moved slower

They didn’t understand or keep up with technology as well

They wore wraparound sunglasses over their glasses 

Grandpa would lift his wool trousers by the crotch before he sat down

They were more fearful and crawled through Chicago traffic. 

Once, a random person yelled out that their tire was flat and we had to stop the car and get out to look but the tires were fine and I thought maybe they just wanted to get the car off the road for how slow we were going. 

He’d put the car in neutral at every traffic light to save gas and slowly pat the gear shift until green. 

I had a lot of judgment for the way they were as a teen, not really appreciating them fully until I got older

He loved the Cubs and never got to see them win the World Series. They won ten years after his passing. He would have been 100. 

I posted ‘THIS ONE’S FOR RALPH!!!’ In my stories after watching on my laptop at a job site.

He would go mall walking in the mornings. His act of rebellion was a large breakfast with pancakes from McDonald’s. It’s funny, I don’t remember if I got to do this with him or just heard about it from someone in my family. But it was known that we didn't tell grandma. 

He was a reader and an animal lover

He’d go and sit with the animals at the zoo sometimes

He’d been drafted into the army as a young man, sent to war. I interviewed him once for school about it, but otherwise he didn’t want to relive the memories. He was a chemist afterwards. These facts were rather abstract to me growing up, he was just grandpa- tending to his fish and sitting in his chair. 

Back to the dream

It dawns on me that we hadn’t fed the fish since we arrived and I start looking for the food

In my search I discover all these little things they saved for Selene - a coloring book, some little toy cars that came attached to some magazines, stacks of things to discover 

And I feel his presence so strongly, my grandmother’s too

I feel how carefully they saved these things for us (and they did always save lots of things for our visits)

How carefully he cared for his fish and the weight of looking after them after he’s gone

And I sit down and cry, doubled over and wailing

I woke up with tears flowing

I never grieved Ralph. My dear friend passed two days before he did in 2006 and while I went to the funeral, I don’t remember it well. 

It felt like I could only grieve one death and she was 23 and he was 90 so I felt the tragedy much more deeply. 

And I didn’t feel especially close to him the way I did my 3 other grandparents 

His was a quiet and loving presence 

I remember my brother telling everyone at the wake how he used to silently reach out and pat our hands. His way of giving love. 

I remember my grandmother promptly calling social security and telling them he had died. I felt the weight of that call, the finality after more than 60 years of marriage. 

This is the beauty of grief. 19 years later it can come in through a lovely, gentle, vivid dream and break something open at 4am. 

I miss him.

For Ralph: Sept 2, 1916 - Nov 10, 2006.